Moving forward by looking back

So - I haven't posted in over a year and a half.  Part of it is being "busy" - - but "busy" really means "lazy" - - and the other part is a fear of admitting that I have been stuck in the same place for so long.  So - fresh start!  More than 2 years ago I wrote this post:  Antidepressants and Weight Gain  I stopped taking Zoloft after tearfully visiting my doctor and weighing in more than 20 lbs heavier.  I switched to a lower dose antidepressant, which still didn't help my situation.  Fast forward to January 2014.  I realized, during Sober January, that I hadn't taken my antidepressants in a few days.  I had previously read the amazing book:  The Chemistry of Joy and was really taken with the idea of different kinds of depression, different body types and personalities.  And the fact that the author had actually addressed the forbidden topic of side effects of antidepressants!  He did not recommend taking yourself off of a medication - such results could be very detrimental to your health- but he did discuss the initial euphoria and weight loss followed by lethargy and weight gain - that is commonly experienced when beginning an antidepressant.  It was amazing to me that others had experienced what I had.  It was also amazing to me the difference when I eventually took myself off the meds. . . All of the sudden I was my usual emotional self!  Not only did I tear up at Friends re-runs, but also at touching moments with my kids, interactions with other moms, commercials for iPhones . . . it was an emotion bonanza!  I think it took a while for my body to not be regulated.  Also I was able to very easily drop Diet Coke from my life as well as finally kicking dairy to the curb.  Do you know how embarrassing it is to call yourself vegan and then scarf down half a cheese pizza from Anthony's?

Credit- Buzzfeed

So here I am - now in March of 2014.  I have been really, truly vegan for nearly 2 months.  I haven't touched a Diet Coke nor swallowed a pill.  I am still balancing myself out - I had one of my mom's traditional "Scream and Cleans" today.  Not a proud moment!  But my kids did realize they have awesome toys and pretty spectacular imaginations that don't require batteries or screens.  I am still trying to find my way back to fit.  I am still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.  I am still thinking a beer is the best way to wind down after a long day and a workout.

Credit - Amazon

I remember from The Chemistry of Joy that my type should take on activities that seem beyond their comfort level in an attempt to keep themselves engaged and motivated.  I would have laughed at you if you had suggested that before!  But I was at my most fit when I was doing two-a-days and when I was running 3 miles a day.  I was at my best taking on Pilates and strength and meeting each with a good attitude.  So that is what I need to do now.  I can push myself on the elliptical, I can up my weights or reps on machines, but what I really need is to take on a hike or a class or a run that I don't think I can handle and to complete it.  Maybe not at first and probably a pretty poor start - but it is a start all the same.  I love tracking my workouts in a little notebook in my bag and I love seeing when I really push myself and leave the gym dripping sweat.  Of course summer is coming!  Can't wait to plan day hikes with friends - those are the absolute best!

Antidepressants and Weight Gain

I know that it is common for medications to have side effects that are less than desirable.  I think that their commercials are funny because they show these great scenes (fishing with your grandchild, rekindling an old flame at a reunion, and doing yoga with your friends) while the voice over is telling you that you will be constipated and develop a terrible rash and then your spine will explode. 

I finally realized when Liam was nearly 1 that I was battling off depression and anxiety and I went to my doctor.  I started on Zoloft last December and actually lost 5 pounds or so right away.  My appetite was light and my mood was good.  A miracle drug!  I continued taking the medication and didn't think twice when I gained 10 pounds very quickly.  After all I had stopped nursing Liam and so there goes some of my calorie burn.  And I wasn't working out regularly.  And I was eating more.  So all reasons for weight gain but I could fight back!  I had lost weight before and I would do it again.  Then the weight kept coming and I kept up the denial.  Even when my husband was mentioning that the medication was causing me to gain weight and be more tired.  No - it couldn't be that!  I don't know if it was my aversion to Tim being right or if it was my belief that medication that affected my mood in a positive way could have such negative effects in the long run.  I always had a reason to justify my sleepiness and I always had an excuse ready to miss a workout.  And at the end of the day I wanted to drink beer!  I realized that I was turning into the old me.  The one who had put on weight and didn't exercise and just found it easier to have a couple of drinks at the end of the night rather than go to bed and wake up feeling great.  I hated that person!  How could I get back to that person I didn't like without realizing it?  

See how happy these rocks are? And how round?

I finally admitted to Tim that he was right.  The Zoloft was contributing to my weight gain and lethargy.  I was still happy and playing with my kids at the end of the day - but I wasn't feeling healthy - and was I really happy?  I think feeling like I needed a solution - and then getting such immediate results - I didn't even think that this medication could have negative effects.  I mean - if it was that great wouldn't everyone be taking it?  If medications were wonderful and perfect - we wouldn't need those cheerful commercials.  Those "Look what you could be missing out on" visuals.  Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain . . . .

So then I did what I try not to do - I Googled Zoloft and Weight Gain.  And I read tons of reports about how doctors will deny it but that antidepressants generally cause weight gain (usually around 20 pounds) and that they can initially cause weight loss.  Some patients reported no change in their eating or exercise habits - but I noticed a big change in mine!  I didn't want to eat healthy or work out.  I wanted to eat non-stop and then take a nap.  Which is not me!  My mood modifier was definitely modifying me.  So here I am - getting off the Zoloft and getting back into eating healthy and exercising.  I won't restrict an entire food group or cut myself off from sweets or work out 8 hours a day.  I will do it the right way, the healthy way, and know that I am doing whats best for myself.   But don't worry - I am definitely checking in with my doctor this week.  : )

Winter of Losing?

Since joining the MOMS Club of Front Royal more than 2 years ago, I have received tons of great advice.  Mostly kid-related advice, but I also was given recipes, talks about conflict resolution, financial discussions and daily things like how to get a tube of Desitin off of every surface in your child’s room.  Never once did these tips make me feel like an inadequate MOM or person.  Somehow these amazing friends of mine always left me feeling better than when I came.  But I still have a hard time when it comes to me!  Having gained and lost weight with pregnancies (and without) I thought that after losing the baby weight with Liam that I was in the clear.  No more babies – no more baby weight.  No more seeing numbers on the scale that make me grumpy. But when I stopped nursing and started stress-eating I gained weight very quickly.  So rather than ask for tips about eating healthy and exercising (because I know how to do it) – I decided to ask about achievements they had made.  Whether in fitness or weight loss or career or making another change in their life – I wanted to get their story.

Before starting this year's program for the MOMS Club of Front Royal Biggest Loser 2012, I e-mailed a list of questions to my family and also to friends who have small businesses or busy careers, people who have lost a lot of weight or have found a way to put themselves, and their health, as a priority.  In other words – people I admire!  I haven’t yet asked our MOMS Club because I think that would be part of our challenge this year.  I have already started receiving some tips and the various responses are great!  Everyone is different and people approach goals and changes differently.  And I am learning so much about my family!  I wouldn’t think to ask questions like these at a family reunion or while on a long-distance phone call – but this has turned out to be more than just advice for achieving goals – it is helping me get to know my extended family and my friends better. 

Here are the questions that I asked – feel free to send me a message with your answers! 

• What was something that you accomplished in your life that you did for yourself?
• Did you set a specific goal and how did you reach for it?
• Were there specific steps you had to make to get there?
• Did you receive any words of wisdom from another person or have a personal mantra?
• How did you deal with set backs and obstacles?
• As you neared your goal - did you find you had to adjust it?
• Looking back was there anything you would have done differently?

See how ready I am?

So, since I am now faced with losing 30 pounds AGAIN - I have decided to use this blog as a way to track my progress.  This was a great forum to hold myself accountable for my Summer of Giving project and now I will hopefully achieve health success with it as well!  

http://www.self.com/health/2012/01/new-year-resolution-handbook